maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
