dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
