The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
