i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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