so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
