toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
