Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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