Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize