A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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