hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
