Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
