Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
