A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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