I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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