Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
