You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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