Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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