Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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