Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
