She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
