I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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