We got so high we made milksteak
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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