Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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