direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
