a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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