just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
