why didn't you poke me back
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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