nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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