Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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