dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
