I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
