i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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