I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
