peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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