Who did Billy Mays play for?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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