there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
