If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Text me some of your sweat
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