I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
