Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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