i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
