hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
