theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
