phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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