She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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