benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
