3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
