I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
