I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
where does the pee come out of this thing
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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