Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
