First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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