I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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