So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
