He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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