My hand turned me down
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
