You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
