Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
