I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
