i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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