she woke up with a sticky ear
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am naked and annoyed.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
