hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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