The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize