Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i think my cat just said my name.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
