When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
