By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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