This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I love you. Go after that dick
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
