Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
