Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
