I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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