if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
