I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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